Here is where the rubber meets the road. I knew I had to leave. I knew what I wanted and what I valued. Those exercises solidified the fact that I really, truly needed to depart the cubicle. It was cold as hell, the commute was killer and, oh wait- it was doing nothing for my life.
When I first heard the term “reverse engineering,” I latched onto it. I absolutely loved the concept, because it completely flipped the equation. Instead of figuring out each next step, one after the other, reverse engineering is taking the final product (or goal) and taking it apart to see how it works (how it comes to be).
Always coming back to this work. And it is funny, I never resonated with doing "the work" until recently, but realize it is a never ending process. That work doesn't mean there is a completion date. I think the finality of school as a learning environment truly skewed my perception of conceptual learning.
But none of that will happen without the selection of a lane. A choice to commit to a priority that resonates with my values and my beliefs. A library of choice is useless without action. When I travelled last week, my choices were whittled down and my actions were clear. I felt accomplished because I had focus.
Have you ever felt that hot, hot heat in the pit of your belly, raging a fire as a last advance notice that what you are doing is so, so very wrongwrongwrong?
That your instinctual nature is at odds with the pragmatic experience that is your life, and despite all attempts at internal cajoling, you in a place that will certainly not satisfy you?
One of the old habits I used to shrug on, as easily as an old coat, was unproductive, stressed-out worrying. Often tied to work, I would future trip, running worst-case scenarios that ultimately ended with me being fired, demoted or any other myriad of unlikely events.
My thought patterns would snowball into the most negative of potential outcomes, usually manifesting physically with an elevated heart rate, headache or the worst- sweating. Try walking into a performance review after you’ve mentally already fired yourself and are sweaty, to boot.
I went to my first yoga class in my second year of university. I had never been to any sort of yoga class before, but I was definitely yoga-curious. The little I knew about yoga intrigued me—it was just so different from anything I’d done before, filled with history and culture from a time and place that I knew nothing about. I hadn’t grown up in a religious household—we did the Hallmark holidays, but nothing other than that—and so yoga seemed to hold some sort of reverence that was entirely new...
Here is the thing. When I was deep into hating my job, Sundays were the worst. The day would start amazingly- brunch, walks, hanging out- but as it progressed, and the start of a new week drew closer and closer, a dark cloud seemed to move in. If you feel like your job isn’t where you want to be, or that you are destined for something bigger, Monday morning can bring a lot of stress into your life. And even still, if you love your job, Sunday afternoon signals the close to a perpetually too-short weekend...
When I quit my job in August, it was a weird time. I was doing something that I celebrated, that I had dreamt about, that I was doing solely for me. I was also full of doubt and a rollercoaster of regret. I didn't know exactly how things were going to work out- there was only the thinnest of plans sketched together, so thin that if you squinted, they weren't really there.
I was texting with a friend recently, and she was explaining how she had sent a certain text message to a certain someone, and was expecting a certain response.
And was still waiting for that response. And waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
I had a whole blog post planned up in my head. January was hustle and flow month in our house, so the whole thing was a run down of what worked, what didn't and how we made it through to the other side.