Always coming back to this work. And it is funny, I never resonated with doing "the work" until recently, but realize it is a never ending process. That work doesn't mean there is a completion date. I think the finality of school as a learning environment truly skewed my perception of conceptual learning. It was: you learn, you done, you move on. But consistently learning, life learning, means that you come back, you touch it, you revel it in, you expose yourself to it, you work.
Recently, I've been realizing that boundaries as a concept and boundaries as a thing I actually do are two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS. I can talk about boundaries, coach others around their own, say I need them, but then am shit at propping them up around me. I drain so quickly, I get feisty. So that is my work right now.
With boundaries comes groundedness. Recently, my husband and I have been doing the big sky dreamer talk. What do we want, where do we go, how do we do it? All of this is amazing. But all the dreams are a little farther away than we can grasp... which is cool- there are a million little steps to achieve what you want.
But we were paralyzed by the sheer amount of choice in all of our dreams, and denying ourselves the joy of presence and little steps. Staying in the shitty apartment because our future dream living locales read like a MASH game, so maybe we stay until we can go. Postponing self care (yoga studio subscription, scrimping on meet ups and time away) because there was something undefined but expensive on the horizon. Not acting today because of the potential of tomorrow. Living in a place of lack as opposed to enjoying the abundance of the present.
Clarity and conviction are two guiding lights in my life, and it wasn't until I slowed down that I realized I was missing that in my life. Conviction to actually commit. To choose a lane and stick with it. To silence the chatter of ALL OF THE THINGS and instead, sit with the comfort of the one thing that is right for me, right now.
So the big sky dreams are still firmly in their little list of goals and wants, the little steps still manifest, but I'm learning to love where I am, and not deny myself that. Even if it means moving, changing, growing for now, for today. Doing the work.
Definitely means moving. This apartment has got to go.