treading water

Seasons are shifting… did you know it is fall?

Caught me by surprise too.

There are the seasons that correspond to the weather, but then there are seasons in life. This season? I’m just treading the water.

I remember one of the first swimming lessons I had, where you were taught how to tread water. Keep moving. Legs moving like an egg beater. Hands skimming across the surface, pushing away water. Maintaining the momentum to keep your head above. I remember it being hard to coordinate all the movements, while quelling the fear that bubbled up. The edge of the pool seemed so far away, and the deep end felt like a black hole.

Remember that scene in that movie where that character gets totally crushed by a wave, and then they break through to the surface gasping for air, only to see another, bigger wave about to crash over them?

I don’t know what fucking movie it is, but I know that feels like my fucking life.

And to be really annoying and elusive, I can’t get into the details, because they aren’t mine to share.

     (most annoying sentence I’ve ever written)

But know this. Treading water is exhausting. It requires constant movement, all self-propelled. I honestly wish I had some sort of pithy analogy about how you have to make your own island and swim towards it, or build a boat and row the hell out of there, but I don’t. Because treading water is exhausting. Too exhausting to build watercrafts or swim to islands or just deal with life.

All you can do is depend on your own motion and hang in there. Wait for the rescue, whether you rescue yourself, the water recedes or something else saves the day.

Right now, I think the most dependable is to rescue yourself. Don't wait, don't give in. Use what you've got, and tread water like hell until you get what you need.